Twilight: The Early Years
by Alice-MyMagic8Ball
Summary: Um, this is based before Bella came into town and is just a couple of funny stories of The Cullens :D Please. please read.. I can't write summaries...
1. School!

**DISCLAIMER NOTICE:**

I do not own Twilight or any of the characters unfortunately... But i do own a dog...

**Twilight: The Early Years**

**Alice POV**

School is THE most boring thing on the planet. Hmm, apart from the Gulf War, that pretty much sucked. Where's Jasper and Emmett? They should be here by now. Suddenly, the door opened and they walked in. Wow, Jasper needs a new outfit. Why did I let him go out in Navy Blue? It washes out his complexion even if he still looks like a god.

"Cullen, Hale. How nice of you to join us" Mr Wood addressed them by last names. Maybe he was getting tired of their tardiness. Oh dear, this lesson was going to be a problem, here we go again...

"Look Mr Teach. Don't take this the wrong way but you suck. Worst teacher ever. Could we do something a little more exciting?" Here Emmett goes. I could see what was happening, you didn't have to see the future to see what was going to happen you just had to live with ''The Cullen's''.

"What do you suggest?" I understand that Emmett can be a little intimidating but come on... This guy is just pathetic, his head broke into a sweat as Emmett (A full foot taller than the teacher) stepped closer and looked down at the little ant that was supposedly leading the lesson.

"Well, maybe, just maybe we could read Harry Potter! Please please please Mr Wood, it is like THE best book of all time!" Emmett bounced as he spoke, the floor moved. The other kids simply gawked at the brawny 18 year old rambling about Harry Potter and hopping on the spot. Once he began, there was no stopping him.

By this time Jasper had walked out of the room, he had endured enough of Emmett and his strange love of Harry Potter. Where was he off to?

Aw, he was off to buy me new shoes. That is so sweet. GUCCI? I should practice my surprised face...

Meanwhile, in the land of school, Emmett had earned himself a one way ticket to the Principals office... Again... For the fourth time this week...

And it was Tuesday. Tuesday morning.

Oh no! Jasper is buying the worst shoes ever! I so need text him. Ugh! They're ridiculous! Aquamarine blue with a kitten heel and silver gems on the front and feathers on the back. That is so 1997!

I quickly snapped open my phone and quickly wrote a text to Jasper.

I wrote:

"Hi sweety. I couldn't help but see into the future the fact that you are about to buy the worst shoes of the century. Sometimes even Gucci get stuff wrong! Honey, you should know that kitten heels do nothing for my height and make my ankles look fat. Anyways, if you look behind you I see a fabulous pair of red, Prada, 6 inch heels. If I were you I'd get those otherwise you may be 'sleeping' on the couch. Love you x"

I quickly hit the send button and got back to the ridiculous lesson on Shakespeare. Joy of joys...

I focused on the future to see what was in store for us over the next couple of weeks, if there was anything interesting.

Oh great, Tanya's coming into town. What could she want? Better warn Edward that another horny teenage vampire was coming into town...

_Hey Edward? Edward you there? _I thought, he needs to get a ring tone on this thought thing cos he can't tell when your trying to tell him something. I'll have to resort to alternative methods...

EDWARD! LISTEN TO ME YOU DUMB GOD FOR SAKEN-

**Edward POV**

_EDWARD! LISTEN TO ME YOU DUMB GOD FOR SAKEN-_

Great that little annoying thing was talking... Again...

She continued her speech, rambling through her thoughts...

_I have just had a vision and it looks like we are going to have some company from Alaska. Yeah, its Tanya and the clan. Not sure why they're coming though. I can't see them causing any trouble but I have a feeling Tanya will be a little hard to handle. Looks like she can't take a hint that your not interested._

_Oh and Emmett got sent to the Principals office again today. Esme and Carlisle have to talk to him. This is getting way out of hand. We have enough trouble blending in as it is!_

_You better have heard that or I'll..._

I shut her out of my brain, she was too much to handle all at once. Small doses of Alice were fine. Kinda like drugs. But too much and it'll kill you. She should come with a warning label or something...

So Tanya was in town. Does she not get that I'm completely uninterested in her? I need to think of a way to make her hate me. Jasper and Emmett will have to help me. I hate this woman!!

Emmett was in so much trouble! I hope they take away his XBOX or his PS3. He'll be close to tears! That cheered me up for a while.

The rest of the day passed in a blur, finally I was home. And I could understand what had just happened.

"But it's not fair! Mommy? Why? That's so not fair!" I heard Emmett cry from down the drive! This should be interesting...

Emmett POV

We got home at about 3 after a long meeting with the counselor and Principal, it was so boring!

"So whats my punishment? No XBOX for a week? Or no PS3? Whatever it is I'll take it like a man!" I said proudly, nothing would ever bother me.

"Um, Emmett. I wouldn't speak so soon. Look on the dining room table." Esme said sheepishly, Carlisle had a smug look on his face.

I walked over to the mahogany table only to find ashes of some sort. They thought old ashes would hurt me? What were they anyway? I ran my fingers through the debris to find a small rectangular piece of paper. It read:

'Harry Potter and the Goblet'...

I froze in place. My beloved book. My First Edition copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, signed by J.K. Rowling and addressed to me. I pictured Cedric Diggory in the movie. Robert Pattinson was so hot! It made me so sad that i could no longer read about his fabulous hair, and brilliant figure in my book addressed by the author to me but in some random other version. I clutched the piece of paper to my chest and tried to contain my anger.

"How could you? I love that book more than anything! And now all thats left are ashes. Why? How?" I blubbered out. I couldn't believe this of them. "You could have taken anything else but not this! How could you do this to me?"

"Thats not just Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire's ashes. Thats you're entire collection of the series. And we had no choice. Your behavior was unacceptable son" Carlisle said in a harsh tone.

"But it's not fair! Mommy? Why? That's so not fair!" I cried at Esme, she just shook her head and turned away.

Then the others walked in. From the looks on their faces, Edward had told them what had happened. Alice snickered under her breath and Edward tried his hardest not to smile but that didn't work. Rosalie just shook her head and looked at the floor and let her blond hair cover her face.

Rosalie POV

I couldn't look at him. He was just stood there with a hurt look on his face. He should have known what was coming to him. He sniveled and pouted hugging a piece of paper to his chest.

He was wearing his Cedric Diggory t-shirt again. What is wrong with him? Should I be worried?

I slowly strode over to him and put my arm around his waist. He rested his head against my shoulder and cried invisible tears as we made our way upstairs to mourn some more over the death of his Harry Potter books.

Its going to be a long night...

As we reached the top of the stairs I could hear Alice laughing incredibly high pitched and I could have sworn I heard Edward snort.

Alice POV

As we watched Rosalie comfort the distraught Emmett, Edward and I collapsed on the floor laughing. It always makes me laugh watching a big man cry like a baby. Edward just snorted! Thats how you can tell whether its funny or not!

We pulled ourselves together as we heard a car pull up on the driveway. Looks like Tanya had got here earlier than expected...

Here we go...

**Please review!**

**I'll put the next chapter up soon!!**


	2. Ideas anyone?

Twilight: The Early Years - Chapter Two

Edward POV

There was a knock on the door. I flashed a look at Alice then at Carlisle and Esme who were in the hallway. Obviously Alice had told them about Tanya. They ran to the door and slowly pulled down on the handle. It swung open and in walked in Tanya.

Oh my god! She looked like she just got off work at a Strip Club! She wore an extremely small, red bikini top and a short, black leather skirt and knee length boots with fish nets. Her Strawberry blond hair was tousled and very long. Artificially long...

"Wow Tanya. How's work on the street corners? I heard business is booming this time of year!" Alice commented, she was staring at Tanya with pity in her eyes. I quietly laughed at Alice's comment. It was funny to see Tanya get mad.

Her forehead crumpled and she piercingly gazed at Alice whilst growling under her breath, Alice simply raised her perfectly arched eyebrows and put her hand on her hip.

"Tanya. Chill. You really think you could take on me? Bring it on, slut" Alice teased grinning all the way. I pulled Alice to the side dodging Tanya's pounce. This always happened when they met. They could never get along.

"Okay ladies. Calm down." Carlisle said firmly. "How nice to see you Tanya?"

"Yeah. You too" She said gruffly, before turning her gaze to Alice, "Anyway, I didn't come to see _you_" She then turned to face me who was happily sat on the sofa watching the action from a distance. "Edward! How have you been? I have missed you so much! Why didn't you call? You said you would call! Was it because of _her_?" She flickered her butterscotch eyes towards Alice who was stubbornly sat on a chair with her arms folded, she flashed a sarcastic smile at Tanya. Thank god this woman is my sister.

"Er, hi Tanya. Yeah everything is fine. I meant to call but I've been, um, busy" I managed to spit out eventually. This girl could not take a hint. She flicked her hair over a shoulder and battered her eyelids a little. I heard Alice snort in disgust as she slid closer to me on the sofa.

She makes me sick! I can't even begin to describe the mental images she is imagining right now. I have to think of something and fast before she starts to make a move.

"Tanya, why don't you put your things upstairs in the guest bedroom?" Esme asked politely.

"Sure, I'd love to. Goodbye Edward," she flashed a smile at me before making her way upstairs, Alice made barfing faces behind her back. It was hilarious!

After she had gone, Jasper walked in, he looked happy for a change which was probably about to change.

"Hey everyone. Wow, why am I feeling so much annoyance and irritation in the room? Did Alice redecorate the house without telling us again?" He asked looking exasperated.

"No silly, I wouldn't do that. Not after the first time. The emotion is from the slut, known as Tanya, who has just arrived." Alice said making a face at the last part. Jaspers face fell almost to the floor.

"Oh great, there goes my fantastic weekend. I did by you those shoes though and not the ugly ones!" Jasper said he looked deeply saddened by the news. But at least Alice was happy for now she tugged at the bag that Jasper had handed her and put on the huge red heels her husband had bought for her.

"Jasper, could I see you in the kitchen please?" I asked them, I really needed his help. We ran to the kitchen and I begun questioning him. "Okay, what do I do? I need a way to really turn Tanya off me! It's really getting out of hand now, you should see what she's wearing!"

"Well, my first instinct would be to move to China. But I guess that would be hard. So my second instinct would be to get a face transplant. Then, if that doesn't work you could always kill her. Okay maybe thats harsh but I'm all out of idea's!" He really sucked at thinking of idea's. It was then that I realized Alice had followed us.

"I have an idea," she said to us.

"No, Alice. We have this covered. I'm thinking China is the best possible solution." I was contemplating over a nice life in China.

"Guys! My idea could work! Please just listen to it!" She was really annoyed now.

"Fine! What is it?!" Jasper and I shouted together.

We listened to her story and I must say we were impressed.

"You know what" I said, "This could just work!"

**Dont worry i'll update soon! I have plans!!**


	3. Show Time

**So sorry i haven't updated in a while but i have been in Africa!! I'm sorry but Chapter 4 will come up as soon as possible but unlucky for me school starts in 3 days so good luck me! Please Please Please review. Its fun reading reviews and for the 3 people who have reviewed you people rock!! :D enjoy**

**Oh and any suggestions?!**

**Disclaimer: I dont own Twilight or any of the characters... I wish i did though...**

"Alice, are you sure this will work?" I asked Alice impatiently as she dressed me in extravagant clothing.

"Dearest Edward, don't you have any faith in me?" She asked sweetly, "now shut up whilst I put you some eye-liner on!" She added firmly.

I stood there for half an hour whilst Alice dressed me and did my make up.

"I feel like we're in the 80's again," I complained at Alice.

"Those days were fun. You should wear eye-liner more often you know" Alice was thinking about how fun it would be to dress me everyday. Alice loved nothing more than a game of dress up, I felt sorry for Jasper. Poor guy. Although he was enjoying this more than anyone.

He sat laughing in the corner at my ridiculous costume. "I bet China sounds good round about now doesn't it?!" He spoke through his girly giggles/

I wasn't entirely sure whether this would work.

"Alice are you sure this will work? Cos I gotta be honest. I look like a fool," I was really doubtful now, Alice's visions weren't usually wrong but I was sceptical.

I watched in her head as she saw Tanya's reaction to my transformation.

"See. I told you by the time I'm finished with you, Tanya will be running for the hills! Well, if she doesn't change her mind that is." She added the last bit quietly. Finally she had finished I looked in the mirror at myself, it was show time. Rosalie had taken Tanya out shopping much to Rosalie's disgust but Alice could see they were about to be back in 30 seconds.

"Okay, finishing touches. Ipod. Now look sullen and moody." Alice said

I made a sad face.

"Sadder" Alice commanded.

I made a depressed face.

"Sadder"

I made a suicidal face.

"Sadder"

I looked at her annoyed, exasperated and sceptical.

"Perfect" She finally looked pleased. "She's here"

I heard the door open downstairs and Tanya run in the house. "Edward!" She called out my name, "Edward, look what I have bought for you"

I moped down the stairs into her line of view. She cried out "Edward! What the hell has happened to you?! You look like an... an... an... EMO!" She managed to spit out.

"Tanya, I'm sorry. I can't keep leading this life. I have found my true calling. I am pure emo. And I'm afraid there is nothing anyone can do. Excuse me whilst I listen to My Chemical Romance and rock out by myself" I added the last bit firmly as she stood frozen, not breathing. I moped slowly even for a human out into the garden.

As I left I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, Alice had done a pretty good damn job! She dressed me in black skinny jeans with black converse which I had to admit I liked. I wore a black Ramones tee and wore eyeliner. Lots of it... She also dyed a wash-in wash-out black hair dye which I did not like.

I sat alone in the garden for a while I could hear Tanya's thoughts fretting over what she should do. According to Alice she was going to leave soon. I tuned out her thoughts, she had an annoying high pitched voice in her head which annoyed the hell out of me.

I sat listening to various rock music whilst tapping my foot and once in a while I would do air-drums or air-guitar. I closed my eyes and lent my head against an oak tree when there was a tap on my shoulder.

"Hey Edward. I've been thinking." Tanya began, "I was going to leave because you freaked me out with your whole emo-ness but I changed my mind at the last minute. And I decided that you need me now more than ever. I realised that you are going through a mid-eternity crisis like a mid-life crisis. Don't worry Edward, I am not going to leave you whilst your in this condition. We will get through this together." She spoke softly and put her arm around my shoulders.

"Say what?!" My face fell to the floor and my face turned a paler shade of white. I could see Alice through the window she looked sheepishly away from me. Boy was she going to get her ass kicked...

What the hell am I going to do now?


	4. Brainwave

**Sorry the chapter is so short but the next one will be longer!!  
Thank you all for reviewing!!**

ALICE POV

I stared out of the window at Tanya hugging Edwards shoulders, he looked bone white as she told him that she would stay as long as possible. Unfortunately she changed her mind at the last minute which was impossible for me to see in time to warn Edward. He looked mad. No. He looked furious. Oh no.

Okay, all I need to do was think of a solution. A solution. Now, what could we do? We could fake his suicide. No, that would be too hard. We could make him fall in love with a human girl, No, thats just silly. I've got it!

I ran to Edward with my fantastic idea although he would already have heard it by now no doubt.

"Edward! I called out out as I ran to the garden.

As I approached them i heard Tanya mutter: "I think I finally understand where your problems first began. I think it would be better if you spent less time with Alice. She really isn't doing anything good for you!" How dare she?!

I ran up to the two of them using all my will power that stopped me from tearing off her head.

"Edward I have an idea about that really annoying problem we would both like to get rid of" I smiled sweetly at him.

"Alice. I think that maybe you should STOP trying to help with that matter." He spoke through gritted teeth and his hand was crushing a rock as he spoke. The rock turned to dust. Oops.

"Come on Edward. What else are you going to do?" I smiled nicely at him and batted my eyelids, "Maybe you could give us some privacy slu-, Tanya" I added at the end smiling sarcastically at her.

"I don't think thats a good idea," Tanya replied, "Edward needs _me_ right now. I'm staying as long as possible."

"No Tanya its fine. I'll handle her." He gently pushed her away and she ran off but not before she gave me a sour look.

I rushed my words as I spoke, "Edward,look I know your mad at me but I do think that its not my fault- And oh my gosh why does it look like your about to kill me?!" He looked at me with a piercing gaze this is going to be worse than the time I put his stuff in the garage and moved into his bedroom. He is a little prone to over-reaction.

"Alice. Do you see what you have done? She's never going to leave! How am I supposed to fix this?" He said through gritted teeth.

"But thats the thing, I'm going to fix this! I have an idea! Please just trust me! Come on Eddie!" I pleaded with him.

"Fine. You get one last chance. But on one condition" He said firmly.

"Fine! Yes! What?" I was so happy he hadn't kicked me 70 yards away.

"Never under any conditions will you ever call me Eddie again! Whats the idea?" He could never refuse me!

"Perfect! Um, the idea, well, I figured that the only way she would give up is if you were in no way interested in her because of what she is." He looked confused.

"She's a vampire like us. Whats the problem?" He said baffled at my lame explanation.

"Well, above all things she is a woman. And if you acted like you were interested in _that_" I hesitated as I spoke, he didn't look like he liked my idea.

"You want me to act gay? How do you intend to do that? She will try and turn me straight! This is just silly Alice!" He wasn't impressed.

"Not if you are already happy with someone, like perhaps Jasper. Don't judge me okay! I have this all thought through. We will say that we didn't want to draw too much attention to the situation so we faked mine and Jasper's marriage and you were too scared to tell her until now. Oh god please say something." He looked at me with wide eyes, he thought I was crazy.

"What the hell?!" He looked shocked at my proposal then burst out laughing. "I tell you what Alice, I will do this _if _you get Jasper to agree! There is no way he will ever accept your offer!"

"You have a deal!" I danced away happy with myself, now all I had to do was convince Jasper. This should be fun.

**Any idea's how Alice is going to convince Jasper?!  
Please review!!**


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